General Election 2015: A satirical look at the campaign in Harlow

Politics / Wed 29th Apr 2015 at 12:00pm

Political Blogpost: By Tony G Collier

IN the fervent frenzy of an election period it is important for candidates, supporters and the electorate alike to remember to keep a sense of perspective and most importantly a sense of humour. For political junkies there is nothing quite like the thrill of an interesting election campaign – and this has been nothing like an interesting election campaign!

In pursuit of entertainment and not journalistic accuracy, the following is an homage not to be taken seriously and whilst we have done our level best to pack in conjecture, speculation and blind fantasy if any stray facts have accidentally made it in to our accounts of events or should and awry truths be muttered, for this we sincerely apologise.

So with this in mind Your Harlow is proud to present the first of our election sketches charting the state of the parties thus far and analysing what types of campaigns they are running with just over a week of campaigning left.
The Environmental Campaign

Reminiscent of the Conservatives 2010 Election slogan – ‘vote blue, go green’, current Harlow Conservative MP Robert Halfon has taken his environmental credentials and commitment a step further this election period. Speaking exclusively to Your Harlow Mr Halfon told us he was ‘distraught and concerned’ by some of the grass verges in the town and was ‘deeply committed’ to tackling the problem head on.

He has promised, that he and his team, in an attempt to eradicate the toxic fumes from traffic and to counteract the noxious emissions from traffic flow throughout Harlow, he will be seen twice a day deflecting the potential damage by holding large blue placards on the side of roads at traffic hotspots to omit the harm done to grass verges and grass seedlings – “It’s always the young that suffer the most” wheezed Mr Halfon who was sat at the side of the A414 roundabout covered in soot and surrounded by smog, “this baby grass should not be ignored merely because it cannot speak” he continued. “Blessed be the baby-grass, for they shall inherit the turf!”

In health news Mr Halfon was less eager to discuss the alleged rise in asthma rates, mainly among his fellow campaigners camped at the side of the road……

The Father Ted Campaign

Much excitement this week as the Labour candidate launched the long anticipated 100 cups of tea campaign (yes we don’t know what it is either! – Ed.) Suzy ‘Mrs Doyle’ Stride trumpeted the heralded policy with her new campaign slogan “ah sure go on, go on, go”. Asked exclusively by Your Harlow whether the electorate would understand this issue she replied “ah sure they will, they will, will”.

Following some rather unpleasant tweeting from Labour supporters about her Conservative opponent’s disabilities she announced on Twitter “I have never condoned a personal attack on anyone. My quarrel is political not personal” (Actual quote – Ed.) but then refused to disavow the comments and call on the supporter to apologise, Perhaps in view of this we suggested that she might like to serve an ample portion of humble pie with one of her 100 cups of tea? At which point she suggested we forget the chat and instead have a nice cup of tea.

When we declined this kind invitation on ethical grounds Suzy returned to her campaign winning phrase by enquiring and then answering “Ah sure will you not just have a cup of tea, ah sure you will, go on, go on, go on…..” At this point we retreated from the caffeinated frenzy and fled the scene….. (Ever the fearless journalists – Ed.)

The Nessie – Where’s Wally? Campaign

We are pleased to confirm Rumours that since the coalition had been formed former Lib Dem Leader Chris Millington had voluntarily entered into the witness protection programme have proved to be false. However following his self-imposed exile the residents of Harlow were treated in the only election communication from the Liberal Democrats this time around to a picture not just of the front of his head but also of a front page picture of the back of his head. When Your Harlow enquired about the images Chris told us “Since I have been off the political scene in recent years, rumours surfaced that I wasn’t actually a person at all but was instead a prototype animatronic, operated by Lorna Spenceley. I hope these unsubstantiated claims can now be put to rest once and for all!”

A Harlow Resident claimed the Lib Dems, who only a few years ago ran Harlow Council for a time, election campaign was known locally as the Loch Ness Monster campaign, as you were as likely to see a Lib Dem activist as the mythological creature. However when contacted by Your Harlow a spokesman for Nessie told us they were unhappy with the comparisons to local Lib Dems citing “in the past few years there have, at least, been some sightings of the Loch Ness Monster – the same cannot be said about Liberal Democrats in Harlow.”

The Liberal Democrat Candidate Dr Geoffrey Seeff (2 E’s, 2 F’s? – Ed.) was also featured twice in the election leaflet proving he has visited Harlow at least twice. The 112 year old (This may not be strictly accurate. – Ed.) Doctor (Who is actually an accountant – Ed.) who lives in Woodford Green is standing on a platform of ‘Opportunity for Everyone, a fairer society’ and most importantly a ‘stronger economy for Harlow’. Unfortunately he was not willing to do his own bit for the Harlow Economy as his leaflets had been printed in Chelmsford…..

The Maverick Campaign

The UKIP campaign this time around is taking no prisoners. These crazy cats want to oppose all the rules, including those of spelling and grammar, having got their own candidates name wrong twice on the front page of their only election address. The UKIP parliamentary candidate Sam Stopplecamp (Correct spelling – Ed), said of the incident “These things happen”.

They are also happy to support other candidates and parties it would seem. It emerged that Dan Long, the UKIP Councillor for Bush Fair nominated the English Democrats Parliamentary Candidate. In a tacit acknowledgment of the gravity of this situation Dan said “I made a mistake, it’s definitely a mistake.” Well as long as you’re sure about that Dan. UKIP PPC Sam Stopppppppplecamp (Incorrect spelling – Ed.) said of the bizarre incident “I have no problems with one of our members nominating the English Democratic candidate.” Sam copplestump (Still wrong spelling – Ed) continued: “We would be happy with any party standing. The fact that other parties like Labour and the Tories say they would expel colleagues sums them up.” (Actual quote -Ed.)

It was denied that UKIP’s new slogan is “Vote for our guy if you can remember his name” claimed Sam Tappelstock (Really?? Ed.)

So the Maverick die has been cast if you want to vote for someone who makes their own rules Vote Sam Topplescamp (Or a name, at least, that sort of looks like that!)

The Rose by any other name Campaign

In 2013, Peter Davies, the English Democrat Mayor of Doncaster resigned from the party citing “there has been a big influx of new members joining from the British National Party”. This was quickly denied by the English Democrats Party chairman Robin Tilbrook who said he was: “saddened at the development” but denied the party “had been infiltrated by BNP members.” So that’s cleared that up then, thank you Mr Tilbrook.

In separate, different and completely unrelated news, Eddy Butler who stood in the last General Election in Harlow as the candidate for the British National Party is standing in this General Election in Harlow as the English Democrats Candidate.

Whilst it is often difficult for the smaller parties to gain attention or raise the vast resources of the big beast party’s , Mr Butler has been making the most of free social media. He has said on the Your Harlow forums : “Very few of these migrants pay enough tax to justify their position in the economy. They are making us poorer. We are full up and I do not want to see my countryside destroyed by fanatics who want to allow anyone to come here for their own obscure reasons.” (Actual quote – Ed.)

So he is here, we are assured to protect and uphold decent British Values, such as the value of free speech one presumes? Odd then that during a forum exchange in which Labour Deputy Leader Tony Durcan (for it is he, – Ed.) , had a whale of a time strring the pot and picking at the scabs of an argument put forwards by Mr Butler. Mr Butler clearly objected, researched codes of conduct for Harlow councillors and demanded Tony Durcan apologise for having an opinion or threatened to report him. This act which was akin to the bravery shown by a boy in a playground poking a twig into the back of a girl repeatedly before she turns around and slaps him, then he runs off to tell the dinnerladies about the nasty girl, may tell you all you need to know. However clearly after the research was done by this Candidate it does at least demonstrate ex-BNP members can read – perhaps there is hope for current members next?

Would a rose by any other name still smell as sweet? I am not sure but its no wonder some suspect this is a case of repackaging a failing product. We have had Diet-coke, seen Pepsi Max, could this be a case of BNP light? That is a question for the voters to decide……

The Endangered Species Campaign

Presumably this is the candidate standing to end the illegal Ivory trade in Africa (No It’s a TUSC candidate not a Tusk candidate – Ed.) Oh I thought this was the juddering, lumbering beast looking for a return to a mythical and utopian past and that was in danger of becoming extinct? (OH no no, you are right, that is the TUSC candidate! As you were – Ed.)

Dave Brown the Trade Union and Socialist Coalition candidate recently told Your Harlow in an interview “I’m against the cuts, all the cuts, we are the only party that opposes all of the cuts.” All cuts? “Yes all of the cuts”. Well thats clear then apparently they are against all cuts, Labour cuts, Tory cuts, paper cuts, hair cuts, cut out and keeps, (That’s enough – Ed.).

When asked what would constitute success for his party, Mr Brown replied “That 135 of us TUSC candidates stood up and got our message heard that we can have an end to capitalism and an end to austerity”. (Actual quote – Ed.) For some politics is about tight races and coming first across the line, for Mr Brown it is just about being on the ballot. If winning is participation then Mr Brown has already won………

The Elephant never forgets Campaign

Murray Sackwild is not as you might think a facebook post in which by combining your pets name an object and a feeling, you come up with your fantasy pornstar name. Hertfordshire (Don’t say I am from Essex) guy Murray is the traditional sandal-wearing, tofu eating, hippy-dippy (Do you have proof for any of this? – Ed.) ok, ok but actually as it turns out this Green Candidate has more bite to his bark than other Green candidates we have encountered tackling Harlow’s Conservative MP over his voting record.

In an effort to be helpful in case Mr Halfon (and the rest of us) had forgotten, Mr Sackwild recently wrote in the press a letter detailing 21 motions in the House of Commons and how Mr Halfon had voted on them. In response Robert Halfon declared that of all his opponents in this election Mr Sackwild was “the opponent I absolutely respect the most as he is a man of convictions.”

Robert Halfon is known for his impeccable judgment, he was great friends with Lord Jeffrey Archer, another politician who inevitably was noted for his ‘convictions’……. (Right this has gone far enough now, we can’t afford the legal bills – Ed.)

If some candidates in this election want to be the Nation’s conscience, its clear Mr Sackwild is happy to fulfill the role of the Nation’s memory, which as we all approach old age, like my Editor, could become increasingly more useful…….

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3 Comments for General Election 2015: A satirical look at the campaign in Harlow:

2015-04-29 15:23:29

Ah satire - gotta love it! Very funny guys - well done!

tony durcan
2015-04-29 15:33:42

Off to speak to Nolan before I make any comment,me pots and scabs never

2015-05-08 03:31:26

"Fantasy pornstar name?" Surely some legal implications lol

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