IF you ever follow SimonfromHarlow on Twitter, then you know that the ex-serviceman is not backwards in coming forward. So it is no surprise that when he decided to live tweet from his daughter’s school trip to the Science Museum in London, that there would be verbal fireworks.

However, his tweetathon has, as they say, gone viral, with people far and wide praising his honest and very funny account of a dad, going along to help on a primary school trip.

Simon did not name the school and went at great lengths to protect privacy. He did gain over 6,000 followers on Twitter although they may all be disappointed as it seems that Simon has now deleted the tweets.

The timeline

1.

8:40am. I’ve signed a risk assessment and promised not to take any photos. WE’RE GOING TO THE SCIENCE MUSEUM

2.

8:47am. The children are all being sent to the toilet before we get on the coach. Apparently none of them need to go.

3.

I have six children in my group. One of the boys has just called me ‘Bruv’

4.

We are boarding the coach. There is so much noise

5.

Ah. Coach seats all have seatbelts now. This is causing an unprecedented amount of f….ry

6.

I’ve been seated next to ‘Bruv’ he’s just announced he’s prone to travel sickness

7.

WE ARE OFF!

8.

The sound of 57 lunchboxes opening simultaneously is quite something

9.

We’ve traveled half a mile. Three children need the toilet

10.

One mile in. Most of the lunches have gone and approximately 30% of the people on this coach need the toilet

11.

We’re not on the motorway yet

12.

A barrage of ear-p..s now about Fortnite, coach crashes, and the new PS5 console coming out in September for FOUR THOUSAND POUNDS

13.

We’re coming down onto the motorway. The only food left on the bus belongs to the adults

14.

I’ve just been asked if any of the men that went to the moon with Armstrong and Aldrin “Still live there?”

15.

I wish I f…ing lived there

16.

Its just constant ear-p..s

17.

The boys have moved onto talking about football

18.

Farts. Farts are occurring.

19.

OH MY GOD WHAT ON EARTH ARE THESE BOYS EATING

20.

We’re not even a third of the way into this journey and I’m ready to kick out a window and hurl myself onto the M25

21.

Just been issued this for ‘Bruv’

— Simon Smith (@simonfromharlow) 21 May 2018

22.

I’m not surprised Bruv is feeling a bit peaky. I’ve just watched him practically inhale 2000 calories in 90 seconds

23.

He’s sitting next to me because of course he is

24.

Nobody has been sick yet.

25.

More farts. Blame is being opportioned to one boy by the whole year group

26.

If this rancid smell is the work of one boy then wow. Its like a medieval mortuary

27.

Crying now. One girl is crying because of the smell

28.

And because she wants her Mum.

29.

My own daughter just made eye contact. It was sinister. Almost sure she just mouthed “You absolute mug” at me

30.

Another girl is now crying. Reasons unknown but she is in my group so I am expected to deal with it

31.

She wants her Mum.

32.

One of the lady teachers is coming to rescue me.

33.

I actually brought my book for this journey

34.

I’m fast learning that ten year olds get all their information from YouTube and quite a lot of it is bollocks

35.

Its all bollocks

36.

We’re back onto football. Just been asked what team I support

37.

I have reluctantly told them

38.

Yep. I knew it. Mass derision, pointing and laughing, the glory-hunting little w…ers.

39.

We’ve just reached Stirling Corner so still have about an hour on this coach To Kensington by my reckoning

40.

SOMEONE HAS BEEN SICK

41.

Its not a code red as it hasn’t happened in my section and it appeared to be into a bucket so no drama just yet

42.

Who had 10:14am in our ‘Blowing Chunks’ sweepstake?

43.

Its not ‘The Queen’s House’ its f…ing Paddy Power.

44.

A relentless cacophony of ‘Are we nearly there yet?’

45.

No. No we f…ing aren’t

46.

If I look out the window maybe I could ignore them

47.

For actual f..ks sake

48.

What have I done?

49.

Current Ear P..s:

Are we nearly there yet?
Does the Queen live here (Every big building)
Why isn’t everyone rich?
My Dad met that Nirvana man once
Why is there so many people?
Are we nearly there yet?
I feel sick
Is everyone here in the Royal Family?
West Ham are rubbish

50.

The kids have just spotted a McDonalds in Swiss Cottage and a mass cheer has erupted. They’ve lost their f…ng minds

51.

“No. No we’re not nearly there yet”

52.

“SIR! If we swapped the engine in this coach with a Bugatti Veyron would we get there quicker?”

53.

We’re stopped in traffic by Sherlock Holmes/Beatles museum and some other little f…er has honked because a whiff of parmesan is wafting down the coach

54.

Join me next Monday for more LOLS when I’ll be mentally reliving this journey by stapling my bollocks to the lawn using croquet hoops

55.

WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP?

56.

F..k off

57.

For f…s bastarding SAKE.

58.

Go on a school trip they said. Volunteer they said. IT’LL BE FUN THEY SAID

59.

We’re nearly at The Science Museum

60.

*waves at Florin Raduciou*

61.

We’re still on the coach by Princes Gate

62.

Royal Albert Hall. Still on the coach

63.

“YES. YES, MICHAEL! WE ARE NEARLY F….G THERE NOW!”

64.

We’ve just parked up and one of my group has been sick. Absolutely textbook

65.

We’re off the coach

66.

I have seven of these things to look after

67.

Nobody needs the toilet now

—

68.

“Is it lunchtime yet?”

69.

We are IN

70.

Jesus CHRIST. Just walked three flights of stairs with 60 ten year olds and it was like being back in The Army

71.

KEEP GOING. NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND

72.

We have managed to get all the kids to Wonderlab without any dying on the stairs

73.

Alternatively, watch time freeze by getting on a f…ing coach with sixty 10 year olds

74.

Its absolute carnage inside here

75.

F..ks sake. I’ve lost one

76.

GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE T..T

77.

Somebody kill me please

78.

ITS JUST NOISE AND F…ERY

79.

You can learn a lot at the Science Museum. I’ve learnt that the collective name for a group of ten yearbook olds is a ‘twat-hive’

80.

There’s a group of really posh kids in straw hats here. This won’t end well

81.

Updated Ear P..s:

I’m hungry
I’m thirsty
If I fell from here would I die?
I forgot my lunch
Sometimes when I poo there’s peanuts in it

FML

—

82.

We’ve stopped for lunch. Halfway there.

83.

The kids that ate their lunches at 8am are all staring at the kids that didn’t like Labradors

84.

Straw hat school has little buckle up F&M hampers! Our kids are hoovering up Monster Munch like we’re in some sort of Jamie Oliver asphixiwnk nightmare

85.

OMG I have been sent to take my seven to the GIFT SHOP

86.

Seven ten year olds in a gift shop is like a really sh.. hybrid version of The Crystal Maze and f..ing Die Hard

87.

In an added layer of f…ry they all buying slime and putty because of course they are

88.

Two of my group in tears because their feet hurt

89.

THEY DIDN’T HURT IN THE F…ING GIFT SHOP

90.

I’m not going to lie Twitter. I’m at my breaking threshhold.

91.

If someone from ISIS ran in here now with a suicide vest I’d run over and cuddle the c..t.

92.

TAKE ME FIRST

93.

Still, at least we have another exhibit and a two hour coach home to look forward to *sideways glance to camera*

94.

My own daughter is laughing maniacally whenever I catch her eye

95.

She can find somewhere to live when we get home

96.

Walking to the coach the unmistakable smell of marijuana drifts over our group

97.

I’ve told them its from the Butterfly exhibition at the Natural History Museum

98.

“DO BUTTERFLIES SMOKE GANJA THEN SIR?”

99.

F..k. My. Actual. LIFE.

100.

Teachers and Teaching assistants. You have my utmost respect. I have witnessed and experienced a huge amount of f…ry today

101.

TEXT FROM WIFE

102.

WE’RE BACK ON THE COACH

103.

I’ll pay £1,000 for anyone to bring me a gingerbread latte

104.

Genuinely thought they’d all be ballbagged and want to go to sleep. Not a chance

105.

Multiple parents texting now asking “If the coach will be back in Harlow at 3:30 as planned”

106.

Just sent “Will it f…g bollocks, we’re still in Knightsbridge” as a reply

107.

Updated Ear P..ss:

My Dad’s been in space
My front bottom is itchy (WTF?)
I’ve run out of drink
I feel sick
Are we nearly home yet?
I’ve left my jumper near the rocket

108.

‘My Dad’s been in space’ lols

109.

The best thing about today? They learned NOTHING at the science museum. Nothing. It was the educational equivalent of giving a chimpanzee a f…ng Macbook Air

110.

One of the little fu…ers has started a game of “I Spy”

111.

And 15:29 is the time to mark on your wallcharts for “Coach Vomit Pt.II”

112.

OH MY GOD ITS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF THE FLY. GET ME ANOTHER BAG

113.

F..k this. F..k this whole day. pic.twitter.com/CnaPnQOqHN

114.

This last batch of puking has set off some sort of chain reaction and more children are now puking and lots more crying

115.

It’s just a coach of vomit, farts and ear piss. The great news is we’ve only made it as far as Cricklewood so I have at least an hour left on the Parmesan Express

116.

I’m self-employed. The realisation has hit me that today is actually f…ing costing me money to be spewed on

117.

Not one of these little sp..kers has fallen asleep

118.

Finally on the M25

119.

My book remains untouched.

120.

A repugnant eggy smell has filled the entire coach.

121.

I’m just praying for a heart attack now. Anything that would render me unconscious

122.

“SIR DO YOU HAVE PUBES”

123.

That’s it. I’m done

124.

I’m never doing this again. I’m shoving my own kid on eBay as soon as we get home

125.

I CAN SEE SIGNS FOR THE M11

126.

We’re coming back into Harlow. Fifteen more minutes of this left

127.

Never again. Never, ever again.

128.

White noise. We’re at the ‘waving at lorry drivers and whooping’ stage

129.

We’re back. I made it

130.

Thank you all for your support. I couldn’t have done it without you all.

131.

I’m f..king framing this. FIN.